What else can I do for you? When have I done enough? I ask because every request from you is an order, and every order is a contradiction.
First, I am told that family comes first. I am meant to work for my family, rely on my family, sacrifice for my family. Sit with them for dinner almost every night because we're not going to have family dinners for much longer, so sit and eat. Discuss my day with my parents and be kind to my siblings because they’re the only ones who are gonna be there my whole life. It’s rude to leave right after we’ve eaten so I should sit and chat for a while, an hour or two at least.
My schoolwork should be done well and turned in on time, but it should be done at a reasonable hour because I need to sleep. Without sleep I am neglecting my physical needs as an athlete, and that means I am letting my team down. As a captain, this team should be my first priority. These girls deserve a winning season so I should be focused on doing all I can to ensure that. At the same time I have to do the One Acts; there are student writers and directors counting on me to give that show all of my attention. Is my audition for the winter show ready, because that is the most important thing right now. But so are school, family, field hockey, softball, college applications, work, my friends, my siblings, the spring show, my resume, my SATs, my sleep schedule, my diet, and my goddamned mental health. I am running at full speed, in every direction. I am pulling myself apart at the seams because everyone needs something from me. Everyone needs my full attention, which is something I’m not sure I have because my mind has always been in so many different places at once. I am scattered, even when I give myself a second to think or breathe.
It’s my senior year, and I am trying to savor the sliver of childhood that I have left. To spend time with the friends that I will lose next year, with the family that I won’t see everyday, with the peace and quiet of having my own room. But everytime I try to hold on to my youth, I feel someone ripping it away from me and replacing it with expectations, contradictions, and judgements. Judgements and opinions that are being hurled at me from every angle like snowflakes in a snowglobe that's being shaken. I feel like I’m being shaken. My brain is shaken so much that I can’t remember my sister's birthday. My legs are shaking with exhaustion that makes me dread waking up in the morning. My hands won’t stop shaking thanks to the anxiety that crawls its way up my throat and squeezes my chest. Squeezes my voice, my heart, and my lungs until I can’t remember how to breathe.
But I can’t take a minute to remember how to breathe, because if I stop moving for a second I’ll collapse. So in the interest of keeping myself moving I ask, ‘What else can I do for you?’