“Alright Fernando Williams, by the Guinness world record holders association, you are officially deemed the most attractive man in the world. Let’s get a picture for the book.”
Fernando moves to a green screen in the studio.
“That’s right, stand right there and look hot.”
A flash goes off.
“Thank you for your time Mr Williams.”
As Fernando walked out the door he felt accomplished. He would be in the Guinness Book of World Records! I mean, how many people can say they’re literally the hottest man in the world! He strapped himself in his seat, his silky, brown, curly hair falling over his crystal blue eyes. He sped off feeling invincible.
The next morning he woke up to his mother yelling at him to get up and take the trash out. Yes he was almost thirty and living with his parents. But being so hot means that you don’t have time to get a job! What else was he supposed to do? He picked up three trash bags weighing over 600 pounds (he had a big family) with one hand and waltzed gracefully out the door. As he cascaded down the driveway he was getting looks from all the neighbors.
“Hey Fernando! Could you please take my trash too? It’s just too heavy for little old me!” Said Tabitha, his 99 year old neighbor from across the street. Without a word, he went over and grabbed her trash bags as well.
“Oh thank you so much dear! Actually, now that you’re here, my granddaughter is inside, let me bring her out! She is around your age and you two would make the most beautiful babies!”
“Damn it!” He thought. He knew he should have put on a shirt!
“Oh no thank you Mrs Grace, I’m not really looking…”
His words trailed off as he realized she was already inside grabbing her. He ran to the dumpster and slipped back into his house before she could come back. He knew it would be good for him to get back into the dating scene, but all the girls he’s dated just took advantage of him.
Once he was back in his house, he heard a knock at the door.
“Guinness Book of World Records here! Hello? I just need a signature!”
He slid his arm out the door (which had to be open quite a bit to fit his arm), and signed without even looking at the paper. He snatched the package and scurried back into his room. Once in privacy, he reviewed how they described him.
“130° in face profile view, intergonial width similar to facial width, vertical position in frontal view at the oral commissure, jawline slope in the face frontal view nearly parallel to (15° downward deviation from) a line extending from the lateral canthus to the alare, ascending ramus slope 65°–75° to the Frankfort horizontal, and curvature in the oblique view visible from earlobe to chin.”
Scientifically sexy.
That night once Fernando was peacefully in REM, he awoke with a jolt. He was so tall that his head hit the headboard as he sat up. There was a girl in his room!
“What the hell are you doing?” he said as he reached for the lamp next to his bed.
“Wait, wait!” the girl said, putting her hands up in surrender.
“I promise I’m not here to hurt you! I’m Tabitha Grace’s granddaughter. I was wondering if you maybe wanted to get coffee sometime?”
“Are you seriously asking me out on a date right now?! You just broke into my house you psycho!”
“Well I just saw you were recently put in the Guinness Book of World Records! Congrats! What an amazing achievement! So would you like to celebrate over coffee?”
“Absolutely not! Get out now!”
“Ok ok, at least I shot my shot.”
She climbed out the window and landed on the ground with a thud.
Since then, approximately 20 more people have broken into his house to ask him out. He died alone in his parent's house at the age of 75. It really is hard to be so goddamn hot.